Do mothers need to be their sons’ enemies?

When I hear mothers saying,’ My life’, ‘My lifeline’, ‘Mypurpose of life’ etc., about their sons, I know in my heart that it is the recipe for destruction of the sons’ lives. Surprisingly, I don’t hear same thing about daughters, may be they are supposed to belong to another family after marriage. Usually it is ‘My princess’. Even this is dangerous, unless it is explained to the child that ‘You are princess for me, but in the world, you are just another human being, like everyone else.’

It is critical to understand that ‘Children come through us, but they don’t belong to us’. It is a responsibility that Nature bestows, to raise a balanced human being, for 16 to 18 years. Then it is time to see a child as another human being with his/her own life path to choose, to make his/her own destiny.

There are many mothers who like to tie sons to their apron strings.  They don’t want the sons to be self reliant, but love them to be dependent on mothers so that they can experience a sense of worthiness. Such mothers take pride in saying, ‘My son doesn’t even take water himself to drink, I serve him’, or ‘My son doesn’t even know how to prepare tea’.

At your service, my son

My friend had gone for a week to spend time with her married daughter. On coming back, she washed all the dirty clothes of her bachelor son that he had worn for the week. I told her, ‘This is how you sow the seeds to create friction in your son’s life. After his marriage when his wife goes to her parent’s house for a week, do you expect her to wash his one week’s soiled clothes on coming back? Especially if she is a working wife?’ She just smiled and brushed it off. Another friend of mine used to give full body oil massage and bath for her teenage son on Sundays.

Once the son is married, mother wants to retain her control over the son. Many are not ready to give the daughters-in-law their rights as a wives. I am surprised to see that this is prevalent even in educated and high class society. So the mothers start getting so many diseases, one after the other so that the son has to spend time and give attention to her requirements. In such case, the mothers never seem to become totally healthy. When one problem is solved, another pops up immediately. Or the same problem never gets solved. Being an alternative therapist, I get to see many cases like this.

Take backstage, gracefully

Quite often, sons are torn between their wives and mothers. They lose their mental peace, sound sleep and may get health problems. They need to realise that when mothers are not happy, it is just their mental attitude. If they think that by their actions, mothers will become happy, it is never going to happen. This doesn’t mean they shouldn’t care for their mothers. They should perform whatever duties they are supposed to be doing, but just not be bothered if mothers are still unhappy or keep complaining.

Life with mother in the central stage is a phase in life. The remaining part of his life is to be spent with wife. So after marriage, the mother’s place has to be backstage.

The healthy family equation

An important fact children need to be made aware of is that parents are the main unit of the family and children are just part of the family. But this is seldom seen in today’s nuclear families, especially in single child families!

The marriage dilemma

A smart 30 something girl approached me a few weeks back. She wanted to know whether we accommodate paying guests. In the area where we live, almost every house has tenants. Since peaceful atmosphere is very important to us and we sleep early, we decided from the beginning against this practice.

She was an interesting person and we got into a conversation. That is when I came to know that she belongs to Belgaum and lives with her parents.

“Then why do you want to shift?” I asked, thinking that her work place may be quite far from her parent’s house.

Why should I get married?

“They are after me very badly to get married, and I am not interested. Tell me aunty, why should I get married? I am earning, I travel alone, and I can do whatever I wish to. Then why should I be accommodating all the tantrums of an MCP, along with daily torture from the MIL. This is what I get to hear from my married colleagues.”

I didn’t have an immediate answer, but it put me to thinking. A week later, a client asked me, “Why should I get married?”

By the time I had gone through some thinking process, and also, I was expected to give an answer to her.

I said to her, “First and foremost, one should not marry just for the sake of marrying. If someone comes along and you fall in love, that is a good reason to marry. If one loves and respects himself/herself so much that the heart is overflowing with love, then that love needs to be shared and marriage is a good option. Keep in mind, a lady should be ready for mothering if marriage has to last because men have the mental age of 13 years (this was told to me by a middle aged Swedish dentist in 1992, and when I looked around, seemed to be making sense) and they need mothering.”

I added the mothering concept in my answer because many young wives have complained to me of their frustration with their husbands’ need for mothering.

She was happy with my answer. Girls not willing to get married is a very prevalent situation now.

Love is not receiving, but giving

In the older generations, there was a sense of surrender, from both the man and the woman. It does not mean that either of them was in total surrender every second in their lives. It is my belief that if at least once one has not experienced the feeling of total surrender to their partner, they have not been in love.

Today’s stress on self love has gone to another extreme. One is not ready to sacrifice even an iota of convenience for the partner. It is always ‘What am I getting from this relationship?’ and not, ‘What can I do to sustain this relationship? What can I do to make my partner happy?’

“I”, “My life” syndrome

We, ladies have worn pants and acquired many of masculine qualities, but men have not worn saris and taken up feminine qualities (Just in a lighter vein, my observation of the many clients I get to see). As women are doing much more in so many areas of life, they expect men also to do many things that were not common in the earlier generations. They still want to retain the male supremacy. When both husband and wife come back home after a hard day’s work, he can sit and relax in front of the TV, and wife is supposed to finish all the household chores. This cannot go on forever. Friction starts and they decide to part their ways.

For sustaining the relationship, both have to be ready to forget the ‘My life’ and accommodate ‘Our life’.

Sanskara of the family

For arranged marriages, the sanskara of the families used to be a criterion. The girl’s parents looked for a boy from a family with superior or similar sanskara. In love marriages this is rarely considered. Also in current arranged marriages, this is never thought of. Girls are looking for prospective husbands' bank balance and whether his parents are no longer alive.

In such cases, moral values like truth and honesty may be in the character of the wife, but not of the husband. Having the acquired assertive nature, the wife may then refuse to abandon her character. That leads to extreme tension leading to separation.

Advice to girls’ parents

For Indian parents, it is very painful to see their adult daughters remain unmarried. They need to realize that times have changed. Getting them married just for the sake of marriage is not wise. I have come across many cases of separation and a lot of girls who can’t muster the courage for separation going through hell, anxiety disorders, depression, and varied physical ailments.

If your daughter wants to spend her life alone, support her decision. Her mental balance and peace are more important. Tomorrow if she comes across a person to whom she is willing to give her heart, help her in her judgment.

Sanskara, Food, and Parents

I put the following message on facebook.com:

“Our food is made up of five elements, so when we consume it, it nourishes the physical body with the elements. It can nourish the soul only if it is cooked with love and a peaceful attitude.

Sanskara from the person cooking is transferred to the one eating that food. So if mothers want their children to develop sanskara from them (instead of the maid's sanskara), they need to cook for their kids “ along with a beautiful video presentation on Satvik cooking workshop. 

And I got a relevant question, “What about sanskara from father??”

A mother’s role

A mother’s role is primary in shaping the child’s character; father’s role is only secondary. Simply because Nature designed it that way. The child is attached by the umbilical cord to the mother, not the father. During the nine months of intrauterine life, it experienced every emotion that the mother was going through. Yes, of course it experiences the father’s emotions also. For example when I take my clients through the intrauterine life during past life regression, they remark,’ My father is shouting at my mother’ or, ‘My father is hugging my mother.’

But the connection with the mother is 24/7, it is not the same with the father. Even when the umbilical cord is cut after the birth to end the physical connection with the mother, ethereal umbilical cord exists for the life time. That is why I advise mothers not to worry about their children, it can have adverse effect on them. When they trust and have faith in their kids, they can excel in whatever they do.

Parents used to be one unit

In earlier days, when a girl was married, she got integrated into the husband’s family. She took the husband’s surname, and in many instances, even her first name was changed, to denote her new birth. It used to be the custom for the bride to touch her parents-in- law’s feet every day morning, and before sleep, she used to press and massage the feet of her mother-in-law. By doing this, she was imbibing the sanskara of her husband’s family. 

So when the mother cooked food for the children, it was sanskara of the family (both mother and father) that was being transferred to the child. Earlier, when alliance for a girl was seen, the sanskara of the family used to be one important criterion, to see that the girl goes to a family with superior sanskara or at least similar sanskara.

Father’s sanskara?

In the absence of acquisition of the sanskara of the husband’s family by the wife, it is only the mother’s sanskaras that will be transferred to the child. So, how can the father make sure his sanskaras are also transferred? By giving time to the child, by having open conversations, and by actively participating in the day to day happenings in the child’s life.

Here we have to remember, providing “quality time” doesn’t work. That concept is an eye wash; you can just satisfy your mind that you are participating in the child rearing, nothing more than that. 

Or better, the father can cook during weekends. This can give a much needed rest for a working wife, who also does the full cooking. At least one meal per week can be cooked by the father, and if he can involve his son also in the process, he is ensuring a better husband and father of tomorrow!

Two health problems from different animal lives

Skin problem from a Chimpanzee’s life

Karunakar (name changed), a happy go lucky 30 year old was troubled by skin infection on his hands and abdomen. He was on long term allopathy treatment and when he was put on steroids he started looking for alternatives. Learning Reiki from me three years back, he could come out of the allopathy treatment.

The skin problem was not completely relieved, but he was not practicing Reiki every single day due to his work schedule. Last week (2^nd July 2018) he came for a past life regression session, curious to find out what was the reason for the skin problem.

He had watched a lot of PLR sessions on the net and very smoothly went into a medium trance. No cause for the skin problem could be found from his current life. When he went to the life where he got the problem for the first time and I asked him to describe his feet, he exclaimed, ‘They are chipanzee’s feet.’ He described to me the life of the chimpanzee, playing with six others, eating jackfruit etc., There was no major incidents in that life.

When he watched the death scene of the chimpanzee, suddenly he exclaimed, ‘There is skin infection on his hands and abdomen.’ I took him through the healing process wherein he could leave everything associated with that life without being carried over to the current life.

Persisting neck pain

When he came to learn Reiki, he was also seeking relief from lower back pain and mild pain on the back of the neck. After self Reiki healing practice, his lower back pain was gone, but the pain on the back of the neck was still troubling him even though his daily activities were not hampered due to his daily Reiki practice.

Sacrifice of a goat

He saw himself wandering as a small goat in a mountainous region, eating fresh grass with his friends. He described in detail the beautiful surroundings. When he went to the most significant moment in that life, he started shivering and tears were rolling down his cheeks.

‘We are being led in a group to this temple...’  He became quiet for some time, just the tears flowing. After a while, he told, ‘They are sacrificing the goats. I am watching... I am scared.’

I asked him to move forward a little bit in time, to observe what was happening and to narrate. ‘They are cutting my neck, at the back’. I made him observe the scene as a soul leaving that body and helped him to integrate and incorporate the fact that the neck pain associated with that life need not be carried over to the current life.

An incredible session, and positive result

He was beaming when he came out of the trance and exclaimed, ‘I am feeling so light now.’ On waking up, there was no neck pain.

After a week, he told that 30% of his problem was gone and he could feel changes happening slowly. In some clients resolution of problem happens dramatically whereas in others it happens over a period of time. I am sure he will be a completely healthy man soon!