It was in 2008 that my mother passed away, leaving a vacuum in my life. She was a working woman, with strong moral principles and of bit of an aggressive nature. I was on the peaceful side, like my father. This was a reason for many heated discussions between me and her. But this did not reduce my love and respect for her.
After her demise we have visited my maternal home many times. But my recent visit, in June 2015 was a different one. Usually we (my husband and I) would be busy visiting relatives and friends, doing the shopping rounds, cooking etc.., Now there wasn't much of cooking to be done, visits were not happening due to several reasons and we were alone in the house a major amount of time.
I got a lot of alone time which led to some introspection. If I could relive the earlier years, would I like to behave differently? I think I was a dutiful daughter, discussing all the major events in my life with my mother and taking her advice. After my marriage, I never let anything touch her self respect and pride (yes, she was lucky to have two great sons-in-law, who were more of sons to her). But towards her last years I could have shown more patience, been more expressive in my love and concern.
At home when I was alone, I could feel her presence so strongly. It was like two scenes running simultaneously in mind, one - of those days when she was all over the house - multitasking. And the other - the home remaining without her, it is still existing….
Then something clicked inside me- I was experiencing the world without me. Now that I have come back to my own house - when I am doing things, I experience
two worlds simultaneously. One in which I see myself in the house, and another where I no longer exist, but the house is still existing. Nobody is indispensable in this world. We all have a small role to play, and then have to leave the stage.
More than the materialistic things that we accumulate or positions that we achieve, it is what we mean to somebody else, how much time we can give for a loved one, that matters. This awareness of a world without me, is giving me a great spiritual experience. It seems that a part of the colored glass in front of eyes is gone, changing my perception a little. Let me keep working at it… and wait for the Grace to descend!